Writing Doesn’t Love Me
I have said it several times. And I will keep saying it: I love you. I LOVE YOU!
I have expressed my love for you so explicitly that it has left me feeling embarrassed sometimes. I have done it anyway. Because love is not love if not given away (God look what you have me quoting now!)
I have never been this girl. I was that girl who always believed that one should never beg for love. That just like sympathy, it is only genuine if given without prompting.
Groveling for love was never my thing.
Yet here I am.
I want to be with you more than I want anything else in the world.
I want the world to know that I belong to you.
You’ve said nothing back so far. You only stare into space. Ignoring me like I don’t exist. You don’t say anything. You don’t do anything. No, I love you (darling, sweetheart, honeybunch, bae?) Nothing you son of a bitch!
I wish you would say something. Anything. It really is not fair to treat a girl like this. Where are your manners?!
My heart aches. I get teary just thinking of what you are doing to me. I sometimes wonder if at all you deserve me. If you deserve my love and commitment. Because to commit to you I have. I have shifted my life around in order to suit you. Whatever you want from me I have given. Time, money, skills, LIFE? Yes. I have given you my life. All of me.
I have done everything it takes and continue to do it just to be a better me for you. A better me for you! (Ever come across such a sentence? I am even becoming po-et-ic for you!)
I have gone out of my way to understand you; what you need, what you like, what makes you happy…you keep taking and taking. AND TAKING! You ingrate! Yet give me nothing in return.
Is it fair for you to torture me like this? Is it that you are so heartless? That you are this cruel really? Haven’t I been loyal to you?
I talk about you to my friends, you know. I tell them how you and I have this thing going. How I have big plans for us. It’s me and you until the end of time, is what I say. That’s because I am committed to you. You, you….callous meathead! Do you not see it? How I work day and night just for you? Does it not matter to you? Are you really that cold?
Why won’t you just leave then? I don’t know why you hang around me if you don’t like me. See, I don’t even know if you like me or not! Sometimes I just wish you would disappear.
Forget about me!
Pack up and go!
Leave me alone!
But then you stay and you confuse me. I am confused because there are other people who would like to have you.
But you stay with me.
You confuse me.
I would be miserable without you
I decided one day to ignore you. I said, No! You would not get to have my undivided attention when you do not give anything to me in return. I wasn’t going to have that. So I ignored you for a while.
I kept saying to myself “He will never love me… he will never love me… this idiot will never love me back…he will never love me back” I kept saying it and saying it. Chanting it. I wanted to get used to the idea that you might never give me what I need from you. That you would never look at me the same way I look at you. That I would never be as important to you as you are to me.
Each time I said those words, they stabbed like a sharp knife at my chest. Every time I said them, the pain was sharper than the previous time.
It was excruciating.
Those words hurt me more than I thought words could ever hurt anyone.
The thought of calling it quits with you was too painful. Suddenly, I could not breathe. I willed myself to keep chanting anyway. While gasping for breath, I kept going “He will never love me. Writing will never love me back”
With tears in my eyes, I kept saying those words. Enduring the sharp pain in my chest. I needed to bring an end to this fantasy that we were meant for each other. I needed to finally accept that I would never get anywhere with you.
Stupid love. Love is stupid if it is one-sided innit? I thought maybe if I stopped obsessing about this love, it would stop hurting. Then I realized that not loving you hurts even worse.
I stopped chanting.
The knife jabbing stopped.
But the pain was still there…IS still there.
While the jabs gave me sharp periodic pains, the pain of unrequited love is dull, consistent and equally unbearable.
I still love.
Do you know that I believed for the longest time, that we belong together? So much that I stole your name and made it my last name? Writer, I call myself. Got ahead of myself, didn’t I? I thought it was the most natural thing to do, you know? I believed that we would end up together. Happy and crazy in love like Jay and Bey.
Was I crazy?
Am I crazy?
Tell me; is it so wrong to want a healthy relationship with you? Where I love you and you love me back. Where I scratch your back and you do the same for me? Is it awfully terrible to want you to want me just as much or even just a little bit?
I have tried seeing other people. It hasn’t worked. Of course it hasn’t worked! Couldn’t!
They are not you.
And I want you.
What do you do when you love something so much that you can’t imagine going through life without it? How do you make it fall hopelessly in love with you? How do you make it say ‘I LOVE YOU’ back? How do you do it? How do you make it hang onto you like its life depends on it? Does it? Does it not?
I love you, writing. I really do love you.
I just wish you would love me back.
I am at the end of my tethers here.
If you have a heart.
Please love me back?