Whose Pregnancy Is It Anyway?
Have you been waiting for this man you’ve been dating for years to go down on one knee and ask you to marry him? After the proposal, do you hope that a wedding will follow? To usher you to your happily ever after? Well, maybe you should hold that thought for a while.
There is an article that was carried in The Nairobian a few days ago that speaks to men like yours. Men who would think of doing the unthinkable by starting a family the right way. Men who would want to act responsible.
The article tells this man to ditch that responsible thought, to “Forget the wedding, (and) just get the woman paged”. The author – who happens to be a man (surprise surprise!) – shares his ‘ingenuity’ with his male readers, by giving them reasons why being a man, you should not stress about weddings nini nini. He tells them to do what devil-may-care men do best, manipulate the women in their lives to get what they want.
In this article, he ever so generously offers information on how a man can silence once and for all talk about a wedding from his wife-to-be. The solution is pretty simple – he thinks – knock her up! Once she is paged, her priorities will change and she will forget, and hopefully ditch, all wedding talk. In a nutshell, the article says; forget what your lover wants. It is about you and what you want. What else is new?
There are some men with brains – thankfully! There are men who know that manipulating a woman to get what you want is selfish and despicable. There are men who respect the fact that having a baby is a decision that a woman should (at least!) weigh in on because, if for no other reason, her body will be the vessel that carries that pregnancy to term.
To imagine that a man in this day and age has the audacity to share this retrogressive ‘gems of wisdom’ saddens me to no end. But this article is not about me or him. It is about you, woman. You who find yourself with men like him.
You, who having dated this man for a long time, decide that you need to know where the relationship is heading. You who stay awake to the dead of night, with this one question in your mind: When will he ever put a ring on it?
You who wake up the next morning and decide that you need to know if he is stringing you along. And (go girl!) you really should know.
What you do? You call him. He could be furiously tapping on a keyboard, coming up with another of his brilliant articles. Maybe this time he is writing about “Why Unemployed Women Make The Best Wives” or something.
The ‘Hi babe’ niceties aside, you go to the crux of the matter. You ask him, whether he can meet you in town after work, say 6.30pm?
You are at the coffee house at 6.30 sharp. You text him to inform him. You order a coffee and a bun. Or a tea and a black forest cake. You think of doing a glass of wine but decide against it because you want this to be a sober discussion.
He strides in at 7pm (I know!). The whole height of him smiles at you and gives you a bear hug. He sits across from you. He orders a coffee and a bun, or a tea with black forest. Thinks of doing a glass of wine but decides against it.
You are talking about work, or about his neighbor or about his boss, or about his escapades in New York when you decide that you need to address the matter at hand. Without prompting you blurt out:
“Baibe, where is this relationship going?”
He looks surprised by your question which surprises you in turn because you think that he should have been thinking about this. At least!
“What do you mean?”
“We have been dating since forever. Where is this heading?”
“Aren’t you happy?”
“Yes. I am happy with you. Very happy”
“Ok then. So where is this heading? Do you see a future with us?”
He knows what you want and he knows how to shut you up.
“I know. I have been meaning to ask you something.” He stretches out his hand across the table to seek yours. Looks at you with intensity in his eyes and asks:
“Will you marry me?”
“Are you sure?” you ask.
You believe him. You take his word for it and wait for your wedding. You tell your girlfriends that you are getting married. All this time, you keep visiting him in his house. Even doing the laundry and house cleaning for him over the weekend. One time during sex with durex, he looks at you with anguish in his eyes.
“Babe. The condom broke”, he breaks it to you.
Of course you panic! You promised your mother that you will never have a baby before you got married in a church!
Two weeks later, you rush to the chemist for the pregnancy test kit. You pee on the stick and wait. It comes out positive. You are pregnant!
He is exceptionally supportive. But do you know what he is thinking? He is thinking “Touchdown!” You know what else he is thinking? That if your mother insists on a wedding then she can keep you “Let’s see how that works out” he thinks.
I cannot help but think back to a forum I attended last Saturday – Kike Talks by Kike Tele. The topic of discussion was Sex: Consent and Power. The forum drew attention to women to focus on where they stand in the sex equation. Does she own the sexual experience? If not, why not? Are we ever in control of our sex lives? Have we ever been? Exactly how much power do we have in making decision about sex? Why does that supermarket attendant stare in disbelief at that woman who goes to purchase a condom, for example? Why the slut-shaming when a woman is raped? Does marriage give men carte blanche to a woman’s body? Does a married woman have the right to decline sexual advances from her husband? And what exactly are ‘conjugal rights’?
These talk opened my eyes to so much that is never discussed and needs to be discussed. As I get ready to attend the next edition of Kike Talks which will be next month, I will go right ahead and ask; are you that woman? The woman who a man gets to impregnate at his whim, are you?
Ya’ll need to stay woke ladies!