That Wife In Your Head

That Wife In Your Head

She is the right amount of submissive. The perfect dose of educated. She is not too loud. Very beautiful. Exquisite even. Most importantly, she is not a feminist – haaaalleluyah!

She meets you at the door when you come home (tired) from work – you hardworking citizen you! She is ready to emulate Destiny’s Child and cater to you. Meeting you at the door is facilitated by the fact that she comes home early from work. She knows better than to come home late. Her boss might need her, but she understands that you need her more – you married her after all and the last time you checked, your boss did not pay any dowry to have her – you did. That therefore makes you her boss numero uno. You are her first priority. Good thing, she knows that.

She knows that when you come home from work, you’re tired. She could be too. But her job was well defined alongside her “I do”, it slid into her routine the same way your ring slide onto her finger. Go on, check with her if you doubt me. She knows that too.

She knows better than not to cook your favorite meals. She wasn’t good with cooking at first but you’ll be damned if you let all the cows you took to her father go to waste – no way, no how! Lucky for her, she is a fast learner. Lucky for her, she knew that for her to keep you, she had to take cookery classes. Those meals were not going to cook themselves now, were they? And anything that made its way to your table had to be excellent; Chapati, Pilau, stir-fry manenoz. Damn lucky for her.

You like the fact that she understands what a ring on her finger means. Of course she will never step into a pub, not with that ring on her finger, she won’t! What message would that send to team Mafisi anyway? Si they might be tempted to think that your wife is open to the market? And once they make their move on her, si your helpless wife will have no choice but to end up in their beds? Kwani she can resist them how? You, you don’t want that. She doesn’t want that either. So no pubbing for her. Naturally.

What she will do instead, in her free time, is read every article on how to make you happy: 21 ways to keep your man interested in you. 11 ways to stop women from stealing your man. 10 ways to make him fall hopelessly in love with you. 15 ways to please him in bed. She will read them all. She will even seek advice on how to make the sex good.

You love the lessons she has been getting. How can you not when once through with your delicious meal, you find her in bed bathed in fragrant shower gel, her body glistening against the candle light, having been smeared with scented oil, as she bats her eyelids and lies seductively waiting for you to ravish her to your pleasure?

What more could you ask for really? Everyone is out here bending over backwards to make sure that you are a happily married man. That you get what you need, your wife’s needs be damned. It’s all about you hombre.

She forgoes everything to make you the center of her universe. And you, what do you do for her in return?

Let’s see. Well, you could be nice to her. Or not. You could love her and take care of her as she takes care of you. Or not. You could be faithful to her, make sure that her well-oiled skin is the only naked body that comes in contact with yours for the duration of your marriage. Or not. You could try to make her life half as comfortable as yours. Or. Not.

If you don’t do most of the above, no one will blame you much for it. Everyone will be willing to cut you some slack. They will explain it in these four words; you are a man.

You will not have to open your mouth to explain yourself. Ever. Everyone else around you from the ‘marriage counselor’ who graces our TV screens every Saturday night, to the girls in your wife’s chama, will tell your broken teary wife, how much of a man you are. That you are weak (when it comes to prohibited sex, please note) and you fall easily into temptations of the flesh, and you cannot help yourself most of the time, and that this does not mean that you don’t love her.

Of course you will nod along (It would be silly not to agree with people who are trying to save your ass) You will nod furiously: “Yes, babe. Just because I slipped does not mean that I don’t love you. I do love you” Love is not just clear cut black and white. There is a grey area, they say. And grey areas are complex areas that cannot be explained. You can count on this grey area to save you.

You will then recite the cheater’s creed: swear that you love her, assure her that your feelings for her have never changed and will never change, confess to having made a mistake and promise never to do it again: Mea maxima culpa! You will beat your chest.

She will agree with you. You will be on your best behavior for a few days (or maybe just a couple of hours) where you will feign responsibility and remorse. You will stop by the supermarket on your way home and remember to throw in a bar of chocolate to your shopping basket (as advised by the marriage counselor) just for her. Then you will take her out for lunch one Sunday afternoon. Buy her some fried chicken, and pizza. That should be enough to fix her broken heart.

When she feels like just hanging out and having a drink or two, she will ignore that bedeviling sensation in her throat. The devil is a liar. She will instead recite her ‘Good Wife’ creed. Remind herself of the 4th commandment which states that a married woman should not hang out in a bar for a drink. Your mistress can go to the bar with you, but not your wife surely. Not the wearer of your precious ring!

You are a lucky man. You found yourself a woman who is everything you could want in a wife and more. You try your best to love her. But all you manage is love her to pieces. Broken shattered, piercing pieces.

The only challenge you have now is getting this wife who exists only in your head to come alive and reside with you in real life.

I wish you luck.

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