Homage to 2014
You did not start well. What with my father being admitted in hospital at the beginning of the year! We had just ushered you in, for crying out loud. There were no niceties, how are you’s, no introductions? You came in with a bang! As if to say “Brace yourself for this year”
When I started rethinking my whole life, when I started to constantly obsess about evaluating where I was, and where I wanted to be, I knew you were something else. I knew that you would be different from the other years, you!
The other years have come by silently. There have been no major shake-ups. They have come with the usual newborns here and there, weddings here and there, a few funerals (which always have me cursing) here and there. They have come with some hardships. Some joys. Some ups and down. All to be expected. Nothing out of the ordinary. These years have blended in with the rest. They have maintained the tempo. Moved with the flow. Quietly, undisruptively. But you? I knew from the very beginning that you would be far from quiet. You intended to disrupt.
And I was right.
2014, you will go down in history. Like really. You will go down in my history books as the year that made me ask myself the hard questions. You made me rethink my whole life. You made me walk the talk. And not just once!
Thanks to you, I bit the bullet and quit my job. And when I was preparing to sink into the oblivion of a nonfunctional marriage, you visited me again. I had leaped from one comfort zone and was preparing my nest at the corner of yet another comfort zone. You saw through me.
“Renee, what are you doing?” you asked every time.
“I….I write nowadays. Every day without fail…” I stuttered most of the time.
“Good for you. Bravo! But what are you really doing?” you asked again.Bravo? Were you mocking me 2014?
“I…I am ok really. Nobody is perfect you know. I can do this” I tried to convince you again.
“RENEE…WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!” you insisted. You wouldn’t let this go, would you?
“Well. What do you expect me to do!?” I asked in exasperation
“Is this what you want?”
“No it isn’t. I am trying too hard!” I threw my hands up and finally admitted.
“YES. You are trying too hard. You should not be trying at all” Getting smug were we?
“Ok, ok!” I agreed. You had won.
“Now, you did a brave thing quitting your job. I will give you that. That wasn’t easy. Now this is not where your journey ends. Claim your wings and fly.” you said.
“But I have no wings 2014. Do you want to kill me?” Now that I think about it, did you want to kill me 2014?
“’You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you’ll discover will be wonderful. What you’ll discover is yourself.‘ Do you know who said that?”
“Alan Alden?” I replied, feeling so smart.
“Alda. Alan Alda, Renee. Nice try though” I stuck my tongue out at you at this point. I don’t know whether you saw it, smart-ass!
“You will learn how to fly once you’re in the air. We only learn of our abilities when we are forced to use them. FLY!” you instructed. Bossy much?
You are something else year 2014. You harassed me to no end. You came and asked me to jump. All I could do is ask; how high? I had been living on the edge wondering whether to take the leap or not. It was scary! I feared falling with no one to catch me. I feared hurting myself. Yet thanks to your pestering, to you waking me up at odd hours of the night to obsess about the direction my life should take, to jump I did. Not once, but twice!
I let go of this notion that life was happening to me. No. You said. Life was responding to me.
You would not allow me to accept the skewed notion that marriage is by default difficult – not a bed of roses, is what they say. You wouldn’t let me use that definition. This was not what I signed up for and you never once let me forget it.
No, I would not be that woman, you said. You would not let me be that woman who plasters a smile on her face while she is dying on the inside. You demanded that my smile boil from deep within to finally settle on my lips and in my eyes. Like a smile is supposed to.
You ensured that I took back the reigns of my life. That I said goodbye to a job that had me stuck. That I said goodbye to a marriage that had run its course. As scary, teary and painful as it might have been, you made sure that I understood exactly why I had to make these tough decisions.
Because of that, I will never be the same again.
The two most important days in your life, are the day you are born and the day you find out why. Do you know who said that, 2014? Well, you helped me figure out why I was born: Not to blend in. Never to blend in, but to stand out.
Thank you 2014 for refusing to take my BS. For insisting that I stay true to who I am. Thank you. Because of you, I approach 2015 with a genuine smile. And it is extremely liberating.
And thank you dear reader for staying with me throughout the year. For moving with me to the new website. For reading about my life and not judging me too harshly. You are part of the reason that I wear this smile on my face. My wish for you in the coming year is that your smile may always radiate from deep within you.
Let’s do this again in 2015?
Happy Holidays fam!