Hi, my name is Renatta

I don’t believe that we have been properly introduced (Guys, this is one sober pick up line). I took some time over the weekend to work on this blog – the design, theme, font, the works. We are now doing a font called ‘Trebuchet’, and the headings are in a font called ‘coming soon’- I swear I did not make that up. You like?

Anyway, I realized that the closest thing that comes to a description of who I am is the one sentence in the “About Me” section -I can do bad all by myself – which is not saying much “about me” really. Come to think of it, I come of as a higher than life self-centered mama who holds herself up there awaiting a dramatic descent from sanctimonious glory. If this has been your perception of me, today I wish to remedy that. I am not that woman described by Everclear in the song “She’s so high above me” I am more of that woman Dolly Parton sings about in “She’s an eagle when she flies”. So that line in the ‘about me’ section has to go. But what will I replace it with?

That I am Shy? Fastidious? True to myself? I could dare say that I wear my skin quite comfortably. That I cherish silence- Especially when I wake up in the morning. I love falling asleep to soft music. I was a deep sleeper until I got kids; I think a ‘mother’ switch was turned on somewhere ‘pap!

I might just add that I love coffee. I however don’t like eggs; fried, boiled, scrambled, I hate them all. I love the Kebabs that are served in Eldoret restaurants (my hometown) -they have always tasted divine. Nairobi restaurants should borrow a leaf. Though I don’t junk much, I am not a fanatic of healthy eating. Food is food, I eat what I eat and my body takes care of the rest.

If you have to know, I never go out of my way to impress people, so I end up being the background music in most conversations. Sometimes I am noticed, sometimes I am not – It doesn’t bother me when I am not. Being a quiet person, my fanatical love for rock and hip-hop music is one part of me I don’t quite understand.

I know humans to be naturally selfish and therefore trust no one 100%. People tend to always look out for their own interest so I know that there is nothing like free lunch. I have made some exceptions, but I have ended up being disappointed- I hate disappointments.

I could mention that I believe in God. That I try to stay true to Him and He knows that I am not perfect – doesn’t He know everything? The God I believe in knows every dark secret in the core of my being so I know I can never pretend to be someone I am not. Not to Him at least. I know there are other gods that people look up to; gods that don’t mind hypocrisy. Why else would there be so many evangelical ministries whose main agenda is to con naïve people out of their little money? I do not associate God with wealth, power or religion. God is just God. I just might confess that sometimes I feel his presence more from the confines of my home, than from a church building.

I believe in love and friendship. Though I love the idea of romantic love and fairy tales, I am a realist. Is it appropriate to add that I don’t believe in marriage; straight or gay? Straight marriages because love fades and after that two people are left to screw each other up and make life a living hell until the day they die. Unless there is something I don’t know about marriage yet, I simply don’t understand why a great number of people (read women) go to great lengths to have a ring on their finger. I don’t think Gays are ‘Born that way’- Siamese twins are ‘born that way’. I do not believe that gay couples should raise children either. I know that I am not the only one who thinks that a gay couple raising children (a product of a male-female union)is oxymoronic if nothing else.

I won’t forget to add that I am a sucker for humor, so naturally I love comedies. I cannot stand Mexican soaps or Afrosinema ‘oga’ movies. My perfect weekend is spent indoors with a good movie or series. I am not a ‘party-loving’ person and so I don’t ‘heng’ out. You could call me a social drinker, if one drink in a couple of months qualifies me as such. I think that alcohol is overrated. I get my high from listening to music –my earphones are my best friend.

I might also volunteer that I have spent seven hours in a cell but due to no fault of mine. The matatu I was traveling in was impounded and we were all “arrested” for not wearing seat belts, never mind that the vehicle had none. And I use the word ‘arrested’ quite loosely.

I could add that I cry more when I am moved emotionally (like when watching a touching movie) than when I am hurt physically. When I am pissed, I write; when I am hurt, I cry. I am a secretive person and so naturally I don’t kiss and tell. I don’t talk much about my life either so consider this a real treat. Hehe…

I suffer a powerful conscience making it hard for me to screw people over even when I would like to dish it out to people who really deserve it. I however have an evil side which involves not reminding the matatu conductor to pick my fare and paying for stuff in one shilling coins only. Now the latter, I seriously enjoy! I only subject certain people like matatu conductors to this inconvenience – No. I don’t hate them. I only love seeing their faces when I pay my fare with twenty one-shilling coins then I go “Sina pesa ingine”, while I am thinking “Uta do?” Most of them never even bother to count the many tu-coins; they just toss it irritably into their pockets. Is it even normal that I enjoy doing that so much?

I believe that a woman can do anything that a man can so long as it does not involve siring children or using their muscles. I believe that men act silly most of the time- they are capable of love, greatness and amazing insights but most of the time they are idiots and that is why we (women) are here – to keep the idiocy and the egos at manageable levels. I know that no man can do without a woman, the reverse is however not true. Men know this to be a fact but very few dare to admit it.

I am not a morning (or moaning) person. I hate formality. I love children. I hate drama. I am strict (this I’m told, so I can’t verify) House helps are allergic to me (or is it the other way round?) and I have therefore had a very high turnover of house helps so far, and counting…

What else would you like to know? My favorite colour is purple. I am a Virgo. Erm… that basically sums it all up.

Well, now you know ABOUT ME. Hopefully, my arguments henceforth will not suffer from ad hominem tu quoque fallacies – after all I did not hold up my bible and swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. The truth is still out there…

One final hurdle, how do I summarize all this information to fit into the ‘About me’ section?

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