He Turned Me Into A Man

He Turned Me Into A Man

A woman in love. That is who I was. Was that so wrong?

I was living my very normal, very womanly life and getting on with it quite well. I was financially independent. Done with school. Done with University. A good job under my sleeves. And now I was ready to try men, marriage and children. I was ready for that settling down and raising a family that is every woman’s shtick – or so I had heard.

The man strode into my life and swept me off my feet. Me, always thinking the best of people, I let him into my life.

And that is when the process begun.

I fell for him hard. And I told him and showed him and proved it over (not once) and over again. This relationship was going to work – naysayers be damned!

I slid into my wife role quite efficiently. Since bills needed to be paid, rent too, a system had to be in place for things to run smoothly in our household. And that awkward talk about finances had to happen.

We got into a system. The system involved him claiming that his job was not paying him well enough. The system involved him pointing out that since my job paid better, could I ‘take care of rent?’ But what kind of silly question was that? I loved him. Don’t you guys understand? Were we not in ‘this’ together? Of course I would pay rent. What was the harm?

Little did I know that our system would also involve me taking care of all the other bills as well. Even the purchase of a car fell on my shoulders. And since I was yet to go for driving lessons, I dutifully slid the car keys into his hands: him, the head of the house. Me, the dutiful wife.

I was paying rent, buying food, paying bills – all of them even the meagre garbage collection bill. I was the provider. I in essence, became the ‘man’ in our relationship. And he was … well, he was there. Just there for me to look at and thank my lucky stars for helping me bag him.

Did I tell you that I had to fuel the car for him to drive around to godknowswhere with godknowswho? You might be wondering of what good his job was if he was doing nothing. I like your train of thought because I asked myself that very question too.

We argued sometimes – you suspected that didn’t you? And not that I am a bad person, but some things drive you mad, don’t they? I was taking care of everything. Every single bill. Every single meal. Every single thing!

When we were mad at each other, I, being the designated man in the relationship, would be the one to reach out to him to end the feud. Always. When you saw me walking down the street, or taking out the trash, or drawing the blinds, or walking down that supermarket isle, you saw a woman. But him, he saw a man to toil, sweat and provide for him. The only thing I did not do as his man was change the car tyres. It’s mea culpa really – I seriously failed my manhood on that.

He drank a lot and seemed messed up sometimes, but I kept promising to love the mess out of him.

Then came babies. And just when I thought he could never get worse, he did. He acted more juvenile than his children; throwing tantrums when I told him I could not buy him something from the supermarket (I kid you not!), banging furniture when I requested him to fuel the car with his money, raising his voice at me when I requested him to drive a sick child to hospital…do you see what I had to go through?

He was barely home. I had known that he was cheating. Long before the children came. I confronted him once with the facts – a message he received in his phone from one Nancy. He denied it. But of course he denied it! He became hysterical – what else was new!? He threw another tantrum. Typical!

He glared at me and dared me to accuse him of ‘such’ again. He called me names. Verbal abuse became the order of the day. He called me a meanie. He claimed that I was stingy with my money.

I don’t think you heard that; he called me stingy. Me. The person who paid rent, bought food, paid electricity, fueled the car, bought clothes for the babies, me. He called me stingy.

If I was stingy, could there be a word in the dictionary for his ilk? Because I seriously doubt it. He who worked but never once, bought a packet of milk for his children? Never once took me out for dinner? Did I not want someone to take care of me too? Did I not want to feel appreciated? Loved? You bet your ass I did! And I am a woman dammit!

I just could not hack it. I was losing my sanity here.

He is out of my life now. It must be tough for him. I know it is. What with having no man in his life. I was his ATM and now he has none. He needs his bills to be paid. He hates that the landlord comes every 5th day of the month to collect money he does not have.

It pains him that he does not know how to man up. He hates it that the man he created for himself is not with him anymore.

He turned me into a man so that I would compensate for his weaknesses. Now he hates that I walked out and left him exposed.

He is now on a revenge mission. He promises to make me ‘toe the line’ – that’s what he calls it.

A woman in love. That is all I ever was. Tell me, was that so wrong?

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26 thoughts on “He Turned Me Into A Man

    • Author gravatar

      wow nice piece.. I love it

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      When a woman faces that… A woman you know… You drop a tear, your eyes stare wider and you hate them more. Yes them.

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      I wanna fall in love with my mind!!!

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      I really hope you have now been found by a real man who understands what manhood is what a woman is, and is taking great pride in your being a woman.

    • Author gravatar

      I can understand this. I am the man right now, he is trying, but I am not sure if he is trying hard enough. I am the provider, and all that you have said. He seems to be trying but, is that enough? Should I stay? should I walk?

      • Author gravatar

        Hey Michelle, walking away is a personal issue. I would not want to say you walk away but what I would ask is What future are you predicting? Your instincts. Boy if there is something I have learnt to respect is that inner voice (Sometimes I think its my guardian angel speaking). How many years of Trying is that? What is he Trying at? Jobs are there some of us are just lazy at times to even send a CV in. Should I stay or walk is not the question. What is your limit? How far are you willing for the notion am his best and everything, take you? When do you say you have had enough? Is what you should be reflecting on. I escaped but it wasn’t easy leaving. It never is.

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        If he makes an effort to get something for himself, don’t walk.
        If he ever supported you, at some point, when he could, don’t walk.
        If he is looking for a job, and you can earnestly say he is trying, don’t walk.

        Don’t keep reminding him that he doesn’t provide, if he is doing any of the above.

        But if he is just bumming, nothing in sight, please consider your options.

        Being down, doesn’t mean you are out. But he has to be making an effort.

    • Author gravatar

      Things love make us do.. Damn!

    • Author gravatar

      Wooooh.. Well captured.

    • Author gravatar

      the article reflects what am passing thru staying and living with jobless man for more than seven yrs.u become the man and he turns to be the opposite:’stay at home dad’you do everything from the thinking but he has to say yes or no sad thing indeed but i hate to say it but am still stuck there why?coz of norms getting used to see him sitted than working kills me but why?still waiting upon God to see us thru?why he is the father of my handsome boys and i fear raising my kids on my own.what shld i do than to sit down and be the ‘Man he made me to be’-J

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      Well they are there. I just escaped. He insisted on us moving in together, well I have never ones seen him buy anything or even take me out. If we do go out its on me and he will want to buy every one a drink. I only thank God that I never made the mistake of believing that my love will change him. Am sure after me there will be another ATM, another Man-SHE to take care of him and am sure he will make sure of that.

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      Me I just want to know where these men come from. Can I also go there? Get my bills catered for? Not be a man. For a day? Okay a week? Okay a month. And a half. Half of the year i.e but while at it why not the whole year. An year is almost a lifetime so let’s make it a lifetime. Yes a lifetime.

    • Author gravatar

      So many women nowadays , are the ‘MAN’Partly because no pun intended they got married hoping to change the un-providing man to one,when courting the signs were there but one puts a blind eye ,when one sees the signs best you ran as fast as you can. Kudos you were able to leave, you were raised well, He wasnt.

    • Author gravatar

      Thank you ladies. Caroline, you are right. My inner voice tells me it will be fine, and that he is a good person worth the try, maybe too hopeful but ok. It has been one year of trying for him, and here and there he has gotten some contracts, but short term. I guess I don’t know how long it will be for trying, but I am starting to cover myself now. I have started saving separately and also want to make personal investment on farming or taxi business all under my name, just in case money corrodes his values in the future when he gets as is in most cases when you least expect it. For now, I will be supportive and loving, for how long? for as long as I am not abused or taken advantage of. We pray he gets more solid contracts. Am I off?

    • Author gravatar

      Just out of curiosity. You didn’t seem to mention a wedding (traditional/church/AG’s) so I assume you moved in with him. Thank God for the babies you have. They truly are a blessing from Him. There is Grace! Stay Blessed


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      i am exactly that woman described…i seize to be the man he has crested in me and start being the woman that i am supposed to be.Nice piece and shame on evry weak man in this planet

    • Author gravatar

      Gosh! Reading this is therapy as this is my story just as much as it is hers. He lost his job when we were dating (now we are marrieds with kids) and it’s been me providing ever since. Some contracts here and there most of which I have been the one to push and get for him but honestly very little effort on his part. And then comes the cheating. A lot of it. I naively thought my love could fix him; it has not. BTW I never kept reminding him that he is not providing – I didn’t want to pressurize him; being the nice wife and all. Sigh. Sadly even the times he has had some money, I and the children have not been the priority; I can’t tell you where that money has gone. I don’t have anymore energy left for this. I realize I have been an enabler all along; enabling him not to do what he ought to do. I’m done.

    • Author gravatar

      Sounds so familiar. Just add that when.I finally left. His pparents called me rude,lose and big headed stingy luo. I swallowed all that,after all am not any of that.

      Now a single mother. I have to live with the societal labelling. The owner of the shoe knows where it hurts the most.

    • Author gravatar

      ”When a woman loves, she loves for real”….singing. But the things we do for love its just crazy. We all know that the man is the head of the family and has his responsibility……..for me i will pay rent and other bills when you lose your job but not when you are earning and you can’t make an effort.
      Good piece Renee you never disappoint peace*

    • Author gravatar

      Wao.. That’s a great piece… My fellow men.. Man-up…

    • Author gravatar

      I was that “man” for ten years. Ten damn years. And when he finally (barely) got it together, he dropped my ass so fast and was off with the next woman(who I am sure he is patiently grooming into a man). He said I was too ambitious (I know, right?). I honestly hope this post helps someone out there. I wish I had read this ten years ago, don’t be stupid in love. Don’t wait 10 years.

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