I need to be stopped.
Because it could happen.
I could be minding my own business. Wearing my mask, sanitizing, and washing my hands as frequently as possible, you know, keeping COVID at bay? I could be going the extra mile to social distance, and then it could happen.
One of these days, I could fall in love with you. And this is not a thought I care to entertain.
This script is not new to me. I know what happens when I feel these feelings. I’ll act like all fools like me do when they go down this road. I’ll pine for you when I can’t see you. I’ll expect a call from you every other day. Check my phone for a message every other minute. Your words will put a smile on my face and I’ll live for the moments when I get to hear your voice.
When I find my way to you, curious me will want to find out how your kissable lips feel against mine. Because I’ve closed my eyes so many times and imagined how you taste. I don’t think my heart is ready for how fast it will be beating when I get to do this. I’ll hear the echo of my beating heart and I’ll beseech it to quieten down. We don’t want to scare you away. Because we will want more than just a kiss.
Maybe an unbuttoning of shirts and blouses and pants and the unhooking of bras will ensue. We’ll want all of that too. Again, we’ll order our beating heart to behave. Behave just enough for you to pin me against a wall, a table, a bed, a couch, anything, and allow me to pretend that this is the only body that you’ve had access to in all the years you’ve been alive. Maybe you’ll prefer that I be on top. And maybe my heart will want to explode then. But I’ll beg it to hold on one minute longer. Three minutes maybe. Seven? I’ll negotiate to be allowed ten minutes to get lost in you. Just ten minutes to feel you and smell you and touch you and taste you. Ten minutes for you to be the only man I have ever touched in all the years I’ve been alive. And I’ll savor the moment, social distancing be damned. There will nary be an inch of a distance between us. Only when it feels too good to contain, only then will I give my heart permission to explode.
And I will be told that I’m crazy for feeling what I’m feeling. What else will be new, right? I will be told that I should not be doing this with you because it’s incorrect. And I will know, deep in my core, I will know that they are right. They will make all the valid points that could be made in a situation like yours and mine. They’ll expect better from me. And yet again, I will question why, for all the bad things that are happening in the world, all the unkindness that is going around in circles, why, for Pete’s sake, can’t I be allowed to have ten incorrect ecstatic minutes out of my entire life?
I will not be able to stop myself from this. But I know that you will. You will grab my hand before it reaches where it wants to touch you. You know where my mouth is heading, what it’s intending to do to you. You will take a step back. And you will shift your head and look the other way when I try to hold it between my hands. You will help me button up my blouse to cover my exposed cleavage. This will sting. I’m not used to this. You might even see some tears in my eyes.
They won’t weaken your resolve.
With your sexy voice, you’ll tell me that you can’t see me anymore. With a gentleness so painful, you’ll tell me about your girlfriend that you love so very much. The love of your life whom you could never betray. You will repeat this so that I get it through my head that you are unavailable to me. You’ll look at me with your piercing big eyes and offer to be my friend instead.
My heart will keep pounding. It won’t listen to me when I tell it that we can’t have these feelings towards you.
So if this happens, if I fall in love with you so stupidly like this as I fear I could be, I’ll need to be stopped. My heart will have to be reined in. We’ll bundle up our feelings and cop out.
As much as it hurts to do this, we know that of all the incorrect things that exist in this world of ours, the one unforgivably incorrect thing to do to one’s heart is to allow it to fall in love with something it cannot be allowed to go crazy about.
Yeah. I need to be stopped.