Hi. We haven’t met me and you. You in fact do not know me. And truly, I don’t know you either. I only heard you speak this one time, when the audio of you having sex with Mollis made its way to the internet space.
I am not sure who Mollis is (was) to you. Whether he is your boyfriend of just some guy that you happen to know. Maybe someone you considered a friend? Whoever he is, I strongly suspect that when you agreed to his advances, that when you undressed for him, or when you let him undress you, I suspect you wanted this to be a private moment between you and him. That you did not expect strangers to listen in to your intimate moments.
But I also think that everything happens for a reason. I want to believe that something good will come out of the leaked sex audio. The only good thing that can ever possibly come out of a horrible experience: Lessons.
I don’t know whether you know it or not, whether you acknowledge it or not, but what Mollis did to you that day, was rape. Forget what other people say. It does not matter whether you had flirted with Mollis before that. Whether you took yourself to him in a mini skirt and a spaghetti top, whether your cleavage was almost spilling out of your top. He raped you and that is wrong, is wrong, and is absolutely, entirely, completely wrong!
Rape is clear cut. It has no blurred lines to it. It is in the act of having non consensual sex with someone else. It does not matter the state you found that person in; whether drunk or sober, conscious or unconscious, dressed or undressed.
It took me a couple of days to get the guts to listen to the audio recording. I did not want to at first but I knew that for me to even contribute anything to the conversation, for me to even try to make a difference, I would have to listen to it.
Three days later, I braced myself, went online, searched for the audio (which was not very hard to find by the way) and after taking a deep breath, plugged my earphones in and listened to it.
You told him that you were tired. And you were not just saying it; your exhaustion could be felt through the audio. Nothing was blurred there. You cried all through the recording. You cried and told him that you were tired. He told you to ‘wacha ujinga’ and he kept going. It was evident that you were in pain. For some reason, I pictured you pinned down, immobile and so out of it.
Woman to woman, I am deeply sorry you had to go through that.
It was as I had suspected before I listened to it – very disturbing. I almost stopped it at 0:40 when you lamented that you were tired and that you surrender. My toes curled. Fingers folded and I cried.
I went mute for a while. I thought of you quite a lot. I felt for you. I then thought of my daughter and I imagined what I would feel if something like this were to happen to her.
I don’t know how old you are but I worry that sometimes, you might be made to believe that what you went through was normal, that it was ok and that you should accept it as part of being a woman. Please don’t.
This is my plea to you and to every young woman out there; I beg you not to listen to the people who went online to justify Mollis’ heinous act, to in fact glorify him for his ‘prowess’. I beg you to shut out those voices. I beg you to give no heed to the shameless women who denied that you were raped and raised non-issues like what were you doing there.
Please understand that there is no justification for rape. That even though you might have gone to visit Mollis with the intention of having sex, you did withdraw your consent, which you are rightfully allowed to do and that the fact that he chose not to listen to you makes him a rapist.
I understand that sometimes we may think we are ready for sex. We all watch movies and listen to our peers and sex is always hyped as this orgasmic experience that takes you to cloud nine. But that is not always the case. Sometimes you engage in sex, especially if it is with a man of Mollis’ ilk, who only seeks self gratification, and you realize that it is not what you expected or how you wanted it.
Should you feel uncomfortable at ANY point, should your body zone out of sex (and understand that it is due to no fault of your own) you can and should at that point, ANY point ask your partner to stop. As soon as you ask him to stop, he should in fact stop. Trust me, he will not die if he stops going. He will be disappointed, but he will not die.
A normal man will try to find out what the problem is and if you don’t want to go on, he will not push it. A normal man will give you a break; try something else to bring you back to the moment. Should he use force to hold you down, should he keep going, disregarding your pleas, should he tell you to ‘wacha ujinga’, girl then at that point you will have just entered rape zone. It is not consensual sex anymore.
Contrary to what has been fed to your mind, not wanting to try unconventional sexual acts does not make you weird either. It only means you have different sexual preferences. And that is okay. Be okay with that. Please!
You should enjoy sex, not endure it. Judging from the jokes that made the rounds that day, not many people understand this fact: Women do not have sex for the pain but for pleasure. How in heaven’s name are there ‘blurred lines’ when a woman is crying in pain while a man is groaning in pleasure? Why would anyone get confused whether it was rape or not? What was so confusing; the woman saying she is tired? Her crying? The fact that she surrenders? WHAT?
For one reason or another, sex sometimes does become painful for the woman. Once it gets to a point of pain, again, you are not required to endure. You ask him to stop. A man, who cares about you, will stop. A man who cares about you will never pound into you as you writhe in pain. He will want to make you comfortable and it is after all your body, isn’t it? A man who loves you will want you to enjoy sex as much or even more than him. For a man who loves you, your pleasure is as important as his.
Through that unfortunate tape, lady, I hope all the young ladies out there understand if nothing else, this one fact; it helps to have sex with men who even if don’t love love you, care about you.
Having sex with a man you have dated for a while helps you sift the Mollis’ from the decent men. Take your time. Never have sex when you are not ready. If he insists and yet you are still not ready, he can take a walk. Trust me on this – a man walking away from you is not the biggest tragedy in the world. There are worse things; like him walking away from you and leaving you with a baby that you cannot provide for, or him walking away and leaving you with an STD or HIV. If he walks away and leaves you the way he found you that is not by any standards a bad thing. It is in fact a ‘cool’ thing by my standards.
I finally found my voice to reach out to you today. I reach out to you knowing that there is a lot of resilience in every woman. I believe you harbor enough resilience to get you through this.
You will be fine – Own this. Believe this.
And I hope Mollis rots in hell.
Your fellow woman.